According to a list of '40 traits that define how British' I certainly qualify!
I'm the person that queues, the person that struggles to part with my jumpers and I may have, on several occasions, been unhappy with food in a restaurant but not mentioned it because I didnt want to cause a fuss!
Today I am VERY british let me to tell you why...
I'm sat in a favourite cafe of mine, a place where I can relax despite being on my own, and the owner is a lovely friendly lady. I chat with her (obviously about the weather because I'm British!) and tell her I fancy one of her amazing sounding smoothies but I'm allergic to kiwi fruit so probably can't risk it, this fantastic lady resolves my issue immedately.
"Have one of these, they're cold pressed, 100% natural and I drink them all the time"
Not only is it in a bottle, no kiwi in sight, but these are her favourite drinks so must be good.
With ingredients like pineapple, coconut milk and vanilla, this is right up my street! She's sussed it! I take a sip and feel like I'm on holiday, fresh, fruity and coconutty (an acutal word) I could be lying on the beach...
Then it hits me, a bizarre after taste, I can't put my finger on which ingredient it is but something is making my mouth taste like sick! I'm not kidding! I take another sip, no it's fine, it's yummy, the drink of sunshine and bikini's, nope it's gone back to sick. Who the hell has bottled this up?! Sick tasting smoothies are really not right! 😒
I'm still drinking it because 1) I've opened it, 2) I've drank from it and 3) It's already on my bill! I'm holding my breath as I swallow in an attempt to follow the hold-your-nose technique. I try not to grimace and instead lick my lips like it's the most delicious thing I've ever tasted, just incase anyone is looking my way!
The lovely lady comes over and asks,
"How's the smoothie?" I suddenly realise that I'm not still drinking this sicky bottle of liquid because I have to pay for it, but because I don't want to cause a fuss! I don't want the lady thinking I don't value her opinion, don't want her having the worst afternoon ever, all beause the demanding allergy woman thought her favourite drink tasted like vomit. I'm slurping it and smiling,
"It's yummy thank you" She's pleased wth herself, she made a good suggestion, she's proud to have provided the best customer service, she is A-okay! I on the other hand have taken to exhaling through my mouth after every sip to avoid tasting this horror through my nose! 😐
My mouth actually tastes of sick! Apparently this crap concocton of a smoothie contains maca and whey protein, I don't even know what these things are but suspect they're poisoning my gut (and my tastebuds) as I fake a smile! Are these sicky culprits supposed to be healthy? I know now that if anyone ever tries to sell me a diet based around these two things I'm going to have a lump in my throat. And I don't mean a 'about to sob' lump, I mean a 'projectile vomit' kinda lump! I'm sorry, I know I'm grim but god this is nasty!
I decide I can't take it anymore, but can't possibly leave a nearly full bottle of 'highly recommended' smoothie on the table, how rude! I can't tell her my smile was actually more of a grimace because I'm not in to drinking sick. So instead I screw the lid on, place it in my handbag to give the impression that I have to dash and will enjoy this delicious delight later on. How polite I am!
The only thing that stopped me throwing it in the nearest bin was the fact that I wanted my husband to try it, no not to torture him,,.but to see if maybe my tastebuds were shot. He sniffs the bottle suspiciously,
"It smells like pina colada so I'm not gonna like it" He takes a teeny sip and pretty much splatters the sink, wretching and shouting,
"It tastes like a baby's just been sick in my mouth!"
Nothing wrong with my tastebuds then!
Hi I'm Sarah!
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