"I've got you a surprise" he said
"You know what my surprise was? A bag of bloody dishwasher tablets!"
I over heard this in the hairdressers and had to giggle to myself, not ony was this on the worst surprise ever list but this was a woman all of 23! You have to ask yourself, what other amazing surprises her boyfriend will present her with over the years!
Sometimes I may pick up on conversations, some may call it earwigging, I like to call it 'happening to hear'
I was sat in a cafe on my own last week and heard three women talking about laundry! it went on for ages! and I'll be honest I found myself thinking of the men who may have mentioned that women talk crap! And before you get all feminist on me, I agree in womens rights but this trio of laundry experts were no great reflection on interesting conversations had by women! It actually made me want to venture to the nearest pub and sit with men! (afterall most of them know bog all about doing laundry-I said 'most'!) 😆 My favourite line was:
"and as for the valance, that comes off once a flood!"... sigh
Some things are ok but gifting dishwasher tablets = NO! Talking about laundry for half an hour = NO! (I know, my fault for earwigging)
So tell me where do we stand on this?...
The other day we're sat still on the motorway for three and a half hours,
People are walking their dogs (on the motorway!) and the odd gent disappears up the verge and returns zipping their fly. I really need to wee but what can I do? I debate going up the verge myself but it's not like I can just unzip and wee with my back to everyone. I consider finishing the dregs of my water and using the bottle...though without a funnel and some tubing it could be messy here on the passenger seat.
So why is it okay for a bloke to just wee in such circumstances but not a woman? or is it okay? I'll be honest, I've done it (smirks and hangs head in shame) but I'll spare you the details and don't judge me.
So lets paint the picture here, I could head up the verge but if I crouch with my back facing the traffic I'm going to roll backwards down the steep verge like some naked-from-the-waist-down carry on scene! Which means I'd have to balance on my heels facing all the trucks and hope they'd look the other way. It's also freezing so if I wee out here will I be enveloped by a cloud of wee steam? Also we're in the countryside so as another jigging woman said, "what if a fox comes and bites your bum?" (explain that one in A&E)
Even if I manage to crouch and blend in with the grass verge, hood up to avoid being identified and to minimise inhalation of wee steam, what if another emergency vehicle whizzes past on the hard shoulder lighting up the entire area with their blue lights?! a man would simply reveal his baggy arsed jeans while a woman would be lit up like a bloody rabbit in headlights, knickers round ankles looking for a decent leaf to wipe with and holding her breath among a rising mist of wee steam! It's just not fair!
Anyway, now I've got that off my chest, I'll clarify that I held it in to the point of 'please dont let there be bumps in the road' and when I went at home there was no stopping my held-in-for-5-hours flow! (yeh yeh sorry!)
So the actual point of this blog post is to question what's ok and what isn't! I suppose we're all different, if you like to talk about laundry for half an hour then fair enough, it will teach me not to ear wig next time! And a discreet note to my husband, if you ever buy me cleaning products as a surpise treat our marriage may well be over!
And finally, because I didn't invest in a shewee when I saw them on tv, can we think of a way to make it okay for women to have a cheeky wee when stuck on the motorway without us having to carry a folding dressing screen wherever we go!
When my daughter started working in a clothes shop she asked why I hadn't been in yet so later that day as I sauntered home in the beautiful sunshine dreaming of holidays, I decided to visit, surely it wouldn't be so bad if I nipped in to say hello while she was working, what's the worst that could happen?
I'll tell you what happened! I met her lovely colleagues, I mooched around the shop perusing the displays and trying to silently justify my non purchasing visit and I talked to my daughter enough without me hindering her work. Then she approached me...
"Mum you know you've looked at that dress three times now, why don't you try it on?"
"Oh I'm not sure about it so don't worry" (non purchase visit, non purchase visit!)
"If you're not sure, try it on to make sure" she said getting my size and leading me to the changing room.
And make sure she did! Five minutes later, I was walking out of the shop, bag in hand and my first holiday purchase ticked off the list!
I used to work in sales so have to high five my sales assistant of a daughter who wasted no time in just getting on with it! The lovely dress was perfect for my jollies but so much for just saying hello!
So if you too, want to get shopping for your holidays, get yourself to Fatface They have some gorgeous things and if my daughter's there you'll be kitted out in no time!
Sometimes I look in the mirror and think back to the 24 year old me. No it's not that long ago thank you!
When I say 'think back' what I actually mean is I stand there tugging my face in all different directions to remember what it looked like before I acquired 'characteristic features'! Back to when the only time I had dark circles under my eyes was after a night of dancing and drinking Baileys (Yes Baileys, all night!) and the blackness was a combination of lingering mascara, club smoke and being knackered! The first time I noticed a wrinkle under my eye was when I went to wipe away foundation and realised some was stuck in the bloody wrinkle! I was a little traumatised at the time! especially as I'd just started dyeing my hair for the sake of not being silver!
I remember the days when every going out outift I owned was of the short, skin tight kind and I could have a seven course meal without having to consider a food baby! And as for heels, I could stand all day in heeled boots at work, swap them for dancing shoes later on and still be on them in the early hours crouched in a taxi queue!
Despite my 'characteristic features' if you look at me at arms length I can get away with looking youthful! (Oh yeh!!) I've been ID'd so many times that I feel I should get some sort of sticker chart and follow up reward! (Yes I am boasting!) In my late 20's I was once asked for ID when buying a lottery ticket! I mean you have to be 16! (Woo!) In the supermarket I got ID'd for buying a bottle of wine despite it being alongside all things necessary for a chicken dinner (not exactly crisps and white lightening!) And just yesterday, my most recent high five/spontaneous dance moment when a cashier said I would soon know when I started having kids.., I told her I had kids and happily absorbed her look of shock while she told me she didn't think I was old enough! I enjoyed the moment so much (maybe too much) that I felt it only right to let her know that my daughter had just last week turned 20! I wish I'd have taken a picture, she genuinely didn't believe me! I'll be honest with you now, I may have skipped home!
So here I am reminiscing with tunes I used to dance to, not only dance to but embarrassingly hog a podium and dance to (hangs head in shame). I figure it balances out, I'm older than I used to be but so what! I'm still young (ask my daughter, I tell her allllll the time!) and although I'm a little more 'detailed' trust me there's a lot more room for laughter lines!
Someone once told me that life is for living and age is just a number.
You know what? that person was right.
Hi I'm Sarah!
Blogger in The Lakes
I live in the beautiful Lake District...
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